What To Do If I Get Kidnapped

I am worried about her. Haven’t heard anything since the past two weeks. She is definitely alive, maybe arrested or beaten up but alive for sure. The whole idea of sending woman filmmakers to cover Nigerian conflict is because of their policy…that they don’t shoot women. They feel it’s a waste of a bullet. Ha! Good for us… but then the Nigerian elections are nearing and anything can happen and she is covering the kidnapping stories there.

My good friend Hazel also edits and handles camera for me. A lot of television companies love her camerawork. She is no doubt good in it. We have had good and sometimes not so good moments but when you work with someone day in and day out they become family therefore “soli jai”. She has picked up some Assamese from me too. At last an email from her ….

…please don’t do anything tricky!
so, its simple really. Kidnappers communicate through a reputable person and you cough up. Preferably immediately and without argument. Don’t let no Hollywood style negotiators tell you different even if they do look like Samuel Jackson., At my end I just have to put up with bad food and be nice to everyone. So far the only kidnappee to be killed was done for at the hand over when those paying up tried to trick them. So don’t, if you don’t mind.

I also have had to change the dynamics of my pockets. Once it was suntan cream, mosi guard and a spare tape. Now its 'make sure you have any medication on you and $200'. I have no idea why $200 dollars- enough to make someone happy and not enough to increase the threat I guess. So my pockets are now full of malaria tablets, strong painkillers and a pair of clean knickers. Don’t want to be the smelly kidnappee who no-one wants to sit next to on the bus. If there is a bus…which I doubt. I am also not supposed to use certain trigger words in emails so if you don’t know where I am, I'm not telling.
But despite the nasty things said about this place, so far its cool. One political rally led by the leading opposition party. Lots of dancing, drumming, men in monkey costumes and oh yes, men with guns. A spectacularly brilliant speech from the candidate who arrived 6 hours late. I can quote it verbatim- I want free schools for everyone and its not what's in my belly that counts.- I dare say! And then he leapt in his car, as the temperature rose and the men with guns got sassy so our fixer made us do the same. Our car that is, not his, but he had agreed to give us an interview so when Juliana shouted down the mike 'gotta go there's gonna be violence' I thought she meant we had to go find it and film it. But no.

Just been strutting on the dance floor- a curious mix of Kela and Michael Jackson- and so far quite like the place. It's Africa, and no matter what crap it goes through, you're always going to meet some of the best people you'll ever know. (except our fixer that is, who is a big big man, useful when trouble strikes, who takes off his belt frequently to 'flog' policemen. I'm not sure how his human rights activism fits in with this and I don’t personally consider it wise. Especially if said policemen has a gun. He also quotes Neitsche (misspelt I'm sure) at Juliana because she's German and I can see her lips tighten. I don’t think he's got long to live.)
She wants us to go schmooze at the posh hotel where all the oil workers hang. Wear bikinis and sip martinis and see if we can charm our way into their confidence. I draw the line at this. I'll do conflict but I will not do bikinis.

So! has Jade Goody grown a brain? did Cliff Richards get married? I hope you are keeping me abreast of the important stuff. Stuck with CNN out here.

Re: What To Do If I Get Kidnapped
The Drifters were in a bus crash but its okay. they are all alive and continuing with their tour, only doing less vigorous dance routines.
Sylvester Stallone has been arrested smuggling a body building drug which is illegal into Australia.
I bought some new shoes today for Camilla's wedding. Already 4 trips to and from the printer have crippled me.

DON'T GET KIDNAPPED PLEASE but more importantly DO NOT FALL FOR SOME OIL TYCOON. THEY'RE A BIG BAG O' BADDIES, I seem to remember from my Dallas-watching days.